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“Eat up, Martha.” One of my favorite Simpsons moments, and a reflection of popular cultural views of the original Apple Newton platform. For anyone who doesn’t know, the Newton was a PDA platform developed heavily by Apple in the early 1990s, culminating most notably in the MessagePad series of devices.

The effort was widely regarded as a flop, although a small but loyal userbase still exists over a decade after Apple officially halted development on the platform. Many of the problems that plagued Newton – poorly-developed initial software offerings, no PC interface, and the lack of a strong marketing push – were corrected in later versions, but the platform never really caught on.

In 2010, Apple’s at it again, this time with a marketing push a decade in the making. So now that America has had a night to sleep on the announcement of Apple’s “magical” new iPad, what does it really mean for consumers and the portable/netbook/phone market? The unfortunate and poorly thought-out name is still generating quite a bit of mockery on Twitter, including a rather crude play on words that was the top trending topic for a while yesterday evening.

Posts like this abound on Twitter since Apple's announcement

But the iPad’s chuckle-inducing name is far from its only problem. The tablet suffers from many of the same ills as the iPhone (which, coincidentally, CNET judged as inferior to Newton last year). And while most can be overlooked in a phone, they are vital to the success of a tablet device designed to compete with netbooks and e-readers.

Closed OS

The iPhone has struggled with this argument since its inception. Users can only run apps that are approved by Apple – including about 500 fart apps but no Google Voice – unless they choose to jailbreak their phone. In the mobile phone market, that’s a negative, but not a huge one. In the tablet market, though, it’s a deal-breaker. I’m sure that someone will quickly figure out how to install unapproved apps, but even a jailbroken iPad will never be as open as a Windows- or Linux-powered netbook.

No Flash, No Widescreen…No Way

I’ve seen quite a few iPad defenders on Twitter claiming the device is not a portable computer, but instead an entertainment device (while, somehow, simultaneously rejecting the “giant iTouch” label). Let’s analyze that statement a little.

Sure, it can play music and video from iTunes, but what about streaming video? The lack of Flash support will be crippling for the iPad. Any $200 netbook supports streaming video – why would I spend 2-3 times as much just for touchscreen capability?

And what was Apple thinking making this device 4:3 instead of widescreen? Watching a widescreen video on the iPad means those infamous black bars will eat up nearly half the screen size, rendering your 9.7 inch screen more like a 6 inch widescreen – and making you wish you’d spent your money on an unlocked iPhone instead.

iBooks vs. Amazon

So let’s say maybe it’s something more than an entertainment device: it’s an electronic reader! Well, pretty much everybody beat Apple to the punch on that. Amazon’s Kindle has an e-Ink screen that won’t wash out in sunlight, free always-on 3G, NY Times best sellers and new releases for $9.99, all with a $259 pricetag. The iPad boasts a backlit screen that will be hard to read in sunlight, $15-30/month for 3G, 50% higher ebook prices, and $629 worth of sticker shock. But hey, at least your books will be in color!

One Word: AT&T

AT&T’s network has been the bane of iPhone users since its inception, growing more and more painful with each unit sold. The network, already the target of competitive shots from Verizon, has been reported as nearly unusable in some iPhone-heavy metro areas. So what does Apple do about that? They devise an even more bandwidth-sucking device, then all but tie it to AT&T service. Yes, they claim it works with “nearly all” 3G services, but that doesn’t include T-Mobile, and its micro-SIM card limits its use on even more networks. In the US, the large majority of iPads will be on AT&T, stretching an already strained network to its limits – and possibly beyond.

What does it all mean?

With all those disadvantages, it’s hard to believe Apple will sell any iPads, right? Well, not exactly. The one thing that Apple does extremely well is create loyal fans. The Apple faithful will spend their money on this device and the ensuing apps, but the large-scale adoption won’t come until the price drops noticeably (if ever). For now, though, it’s a good bet that quite a few Newtons will finally see the end of their extended run.